oh so quiet

I don't know other people that are terrified of silence as I am. I am so afraid of the lack of noise, of movement, of life. When it's quiet, I smell death. I hate when silence means there's nothing left to talk about, there's nothing left to share, nothing to be played as music to my ears. Those times I sing, I yell from the bottom of my screaming heart, of my hungry heart feeding itself from beautiful sounds, from the rhythm of your voice, of your moves and breathes. And when I sing to cover the silence, it's almost like having surgery, like cutting deep down inside of me and taking the rotten parts out. It's exhilarating, but it leaves an empty space. To be filled.

Now I have a couple of holes that sing songs of sorrow, I let them hum. And they keep humming deep hard tones that bleed inside. But my internal hemorrhage is drowning my own voice. And I am no backing vocals to settle for whoop whoop and pa ra ra ras that you can barely hear. I am the lead singer, I know it. And so I yell back and the holes keep bleeding.

And it's still oh so quiet. Maybe I should try and have a break of silence. I may die a little, but I will come back with a stronger voice. The one that deserves at least an entire album. And I will patch the holes with sweet whispers and sweet people. When I am ready, I'll even remix some of the sorrow holes. And then the real producer will step up and will hear my true voice. But, you, can you actually hear me?

(un)conditional

I feel it unconditionally. I know it, no doubt about that. I express it no matter what and to the intensity of my feelings for a while. Here the limitations start because at one point I cannot continue giving without receiving, I cannot put myself out there and expect nothing in return, I just cannot. Can you?
But I continue feeling and knowing and hoping.

And the beat goes on and I float in our dreams and my feelings when they keep me at surface. When they start interfering with my swim, I lose control and the water covers more and more until I feel like drowning. That's when I need a life vest. There is always one by our side, we just have to see it. And the feelings that used to lead me to my wanted destination now make me fight to survive. Now, their place is right in the back of my heart. Though they remain as true as before, they lost priority for there was no support in real life to feed them to their fullest. Slowly I will start floating again, for the moment I just fight. Forever Dolphin Love.

By the way, has anyone seen my life vest? It's purple, green and nude pink and it has lots of hearts on it.

hush!

Whenever you feel like falling, be sure not to let people know. It will be hard to advance in the fog when you can't see anything clear and the ground keeps falling underneath your feet. But hey, getting dirty is ok especially when you feel like it. But while washing the dirt of your favorite dress, don't cry, don't be sad, act proud you've had the courage to get all dressed up and get deep in the mud.

So hush and try! Today's fog will make the way for a sunny sky.

pretty please

General rule - we all desire things we don't have. Individual rule - I desire things especially when it's impossible to have them. And I add to my wishlist a pretty please. Won't you just come if I blink twice, if  I ask with my whole heart and I promiss to behave well?

Well, things aren't that simple, even when all the right arguments on your side, when you try really hard and you think you deserve it.

So I sometimes just let it be and wait for December to come with snow and everything I need. As long as nobody tells me there's no chance to get there, I hope and I stay quietly in my corner singing Christmas carols in July and planning the perfect December.

What do you do when December comes and it's not quite like you have imagined it? I say pretty please once more and wish for it whenever I get the chance to make a wish. But my wish won't come true until all the stars are aligned and the moon is full. So I stand unsyncronised until all the others allign to my December spirit. That may take time, but oh, when that December comes it shall be mine and it shall be brilliant.

So I wrap myself in ribbons and pretty lights, I shine on others as much as I can and share my generousity. Because I want to carry them home and until they come, I will have prepared the perfect  magic setting.

for no reason

 

and for no one, yes! this is a post for no one and the song is dedicated to nobody. It's the beat that wakes up from the state of lingering about and gets you to reach out. Out to no one in particular and to all, by extension. 

Today I woke up feeling active, feeling good and for no reason. It was just my social mood opening me to the world and my smile said: hey you, haven't talked in a while! I missed your ways of mingling in my life and the weird encounters you set for me, but now I guess I'm ready for the next round.

And today I tried to smile a bit more and tomorrow even more if possible. But to no one really, just to the world and for me.

So open up the door and let me in, I've been saving smiles!

change

They say people don't change, but I feel that change is mixed in almost everything new we do. We try different things, we take on new challenges and find ourselves essentially the same, but distinctly changed. Change is good, it adds experience and determines feelings and inner strengths that you didn't know existed in you until then. Yes, it may bring suffering, it may cause pain, it may seem hard, but it's the only way to reach the real you, your best well shaped self that's carefully wrapped up in layers that you have to peel off to set free. As any "facial", the process will leave marks and will hurt to a certain extent, the final result will show your better skin, all light up and glowing, outlining your beautiful authentic features.

But what is interesting about change is that it's not that personal. I feel the need to change is influenced by people around us - close ones or simply acquaintances. A powerful meeting, even if it's a singular event may plant a seed in your heart or mind and be the reason for your next change.

People influence you in various ways - they can inspire you to want more and try harder, they may force you to feel powerless, they can carry you in their roller-coaster and have a taste of another rhythm of living. I am mostly afraid and at the same time intrigued by the people that simply come in your life and wake up emotions and reactions you have never been aware of before. They take you to a new level, where you discover that control is not that easy to achieve and where feelings rule to the point that you're just the tool to express them. Now there's a panic :) Yet, losing control is not such a bad thing; from time to time it's even recommended. And sometimes I let go and hope that this change will bring a new happy experience. And in those moments, you may find me taking different shapes and trying new positions.

And if people influence me, I do the same to them. To those who really shake my inner core I can only hope that the feeling is mutual, done in my own manner, as positively as possible. And wish that I can move them also and that in our common mutually inspired movement, we will reach a perfectly synchronized dance.

all through my coffee break time

I have always loved this song and with time, I realized that this is my song. It's not my favourite, it's not the most fun or groovy, but it defines the way I love. I love in the morning all through my coffee break, while running for the bus, when I chill all by myself, when I breathe.

It defines the honesty and intensity of my feelings.
Answer my prayer, now!