oh so quiet

I don't know other people that are terrified of silence as I am. I am so afraid of the lack of noise, of movement, of life. When it's quiet, I smell death. I hate when silence means there's nothing left to talk about, there's nothing left to share, nothing to be played as music to my ears. Those times I sing, I yell from the bottom of my screaming heart, of my hungry heart feeding itself from beautiful sounds, from the rhythm of your voice, of your moves and breathes. And when I sing to cover the silence, it's almost like having surgery, like cutting deep down inside of me and taking the rotten parts out. It's exhilarating, but it leaves an empty space. To be filled.

Now I have a couple of holes that sing songs of sorrow, I let them hum. And they keep humming deep hard tones that bleed inside. But my internal hemorrhage is drowning my own voice. And I am no backing vocals to settle for whoop whoop and pa ra ra ras that you can barely hear. I am the lead singer, I know it. And so I yell back and the holes keep bleeding.

And it's still oh so quiet. Maybe I should try and have a break of silence. I may die a little, but I will come back with a stronger voice. The one that deserves at least an entire album. And I will patch the holes with sweet whispers and sweet people. When I am ready, I'll even remix some of the sorrow holes. And then the real producer will step up and will hear my true voice. But, you, can you actually hear me?

(un)conditional

I feel it unconditionally. I know it, no doubt about that. I express it no matter what and to the intensity of my feelings for a while. Here the limitations start because at one point I cannot continue giving without receiving, I cannot put myself out there and expect nothing in return, I just cannot. Can you?
But I continue feeling and knowing and hoping.

And the beat goes on and I float in our dreams and my feelings when they keep me at surface. When they start interfering with my swim, I lose control and the water covers more and more until I feel like drowning. That's when I need a life vest. There is always one by our side, we just have to see it. And the feelings that used to lead me to my wanted destination now make me fight to survive. Now, their place is right in the back of my heart. Though they remain as true as before, they lost priority for there was no support in real life to feed them to their fullest. Slowly I will start floating again, for the moment I just fight. Forever Dolphin Love.

By the way, has anyone seen my life vest? It's purple, green and nude pink and it has lots of hearts on it.

hush!

Whenever you feel like falling, be sure not to let people know. It will be hard to advance in the fog when you can't see anything clear and the ground keeps falling underneath your feet. But hey, getting dirty is ok especially when you feel like it. But while washing the dirt of your favorite dress, don't cry, don't be sad, act proud you've had the courage to get all dressed up and get deep in the mud.

So hush and try! Today's fog will make the way for a sunny sky.

pretty please

General rule - we all desire things we don't have. Individual rule - I desire things especially when it's impossible to have them. And I add to my wishlist a pretty please. Won't you just come if I blink twice, if  I ask with my whole heart and I promiss to behave well?

Well, things aren't that simple, even when all the right arguments on your side, when you try really hard and you think you deserve it.

So I sometimes just let it be and wait for December to come with snow and everything I need. As long as nobody tells me there's no chance to get there, I hope and I stay quietly in my corner singing Christmas carols in July and planning the perfect December.

What do you do when December comes and it's not quite like you have imagined it? I say pretty please once more and wish for it whenever I get the chance to make a wish. But my wish won't come true until all the stars are aligned and the moon is full. So I stand unsyncronised until all the others allign to my December spirit. That may take time, but oh, when that December comes it shall be mine and it shall be brilliant.

So I wrap myself in ribbons and pretty lights, I shine on others as much as I can and share my generousity. Because I want to carry them home and until they come, I will have prepared the perfect  magic setting.

for no reason

 

and for no one, yes! this is a post for no one and the song is dedicated to nobody. It's the beat that wakes up from the state of lingering about and gets you to reach out. Out to no one in particular and to all, by extension. 

Today I woke up feeling active, feeling good and for no reason. It was just my social mood opening me to the world and my smile said: hey you, haven't talked in a while! I missed your ways of mingling in my life and the weird encounters you set for me, but now I guess I'm ready for the next round.

And today I tried to smile a bit more and tomorrow even more if possible. But to no one really, just to the world and for me.

So open up the door and let me in, I've been saving smiles!

change

They say people don't change, but I feel that change is mixed in almost everything new we do. We try different things, we take on new challenges and find ourselves essentially the same, but distinctly changed. Change is good, it adds experience and determines feelings and inner strengths that you didn't know existed in you until then. Yes, it may bring suffering, it may cause pain, it may seem hard, but it's the only way to reach the real you, your best well shaped self that's carefully wrapped up in layers that you have to peel off to set free. As any "facial", the process will leave marks and will hurt to a certain extent, the final result will show your better skin, all light up and glowing, outlining your beautiful authentic features.

But what is interesting about change is that it's not that personal. I feel the need to change is influenced by people around us - close ones or simply acquaintances. A powerful meeting, even if it's a singular event may plant a seed in your heart or mind and be the reason for your next change.

People influence you in various ways - they can inspire you to want more and try harder, they may force you to feel powerless, they can carry you in their roller-coaster and have a taste of another rhythm of living. I am mostly afraid and at the same time intrigued by the people that simply come in your life and wake up emotions and reactions you have never been aware of before. They take you to a new level, where you discover that control is not that easy to achieve and where feelings rule to the point that you're just the tool to express them. Now there's a panic :) Yet, losing control is not such a bad thing; from time to time it's even recommended. And sometimes I let go and hope that this change will bring a new happy experience. And in those moments, you may find me taking different shapes and trying new positions.

And if people influence me, I do the same to them. To those who really shake my inner core I can only hope that the feeling is mutual, done in my own manner, as positively as possible. And wish that I can move them also and that in our common mutually inspired movement, we will reach a perfectly synchronized dance.

all through my coffee break time

I have always loved this song and with time, I realized that this is my song. It's not my favourite, it's not the most fun or groovy, but it defines the way I love. I love in the morning all through my coffee break, while running for the bus, when I chill all by myself, when I breathe.

It defines the honesty and intensity of my feelings.
Answer my prayer, now!

dancer or non-dancer?

That is an essential question - excuse me, sir/madam, do you dance? It says a lot about you, about how you express yourself, how you move in the world. For example, when walking on the street and humming a funky song, do you shake your ass just a little bit? do you imagine doing a pirouette or keep a rapid pace to fit the rhythm? I do! And it feels just like it should :)

If you're a dancer, you're probably more fun and open. But I kind of like the watchers too in their mysterious way of observing the others while dancing and enjoying the moment. I often wonder if they are mind-dancers, holding all those moves in their head.

What I don't like is seeing people simulating a good time with their arms up in the air with partial moves of their shoulders and knees. It's like eating just from the side of the dish the ingredients that decorate the plate.
And they occupy the dance floor for nothing.

If I were to have my own club, I would create two sides - for dancers and non-dancers. Semi-dancers not allowed. At the entrance you'll be asked: dancer or non-dancer? It is as simple as that - you jump in the rhythms or not? There is no place for compromise...and if you exaggerate with watching or with shaking what your mamma gave you, you can say oh, well!, I went all the way. I didn't make my moves halfway, I did it my style - on the inside or outside in the open.

Let's dance, little stranger!

last, but not least

Last night, I think I did something for the last time. At least, it's how I like to think about it, like the last drop of chocolate I could have before going on a diet and the final spin in the mary-go-round for the child within me. cause it felt sweet, great, scary and intense and I ended up all dizzy and full.

The problem is sometimes there are some things that you just can't have for good and you can only hop on once in a while. And there comes a time when you just hop off. I hope I had my final minitour which was quite nice, but felt heavy deep inside...linking all these places that I've been to with feelings and memories. The heaviness of all that almost tied me down, but I knew from the start that I didn't plan to come back again, so I found the strength to get up and explore all the streets and the lines with enthusiasm and hunger.
Having almost reached my stop, I tried to see more and more, but the driver braked even before I had the chance to prepare my descent. And I fell once more. No bruises, just some dust on my arms and knees. I shook it off and got away.

Last, but not least, I enjoyed my visit and the ride was least expected to make me smile and feel relief. But it did, so I granted this one last request - mine, yours, ours.

over here

I am here and I'm stubborn. I have my mind set on something and I just can't go without. I start fidgeting, I can't begin something else, until I'm done, until I can have it exclusively and obsessively. No way out, no where else I'd rather be than here with what I want.

So you'd better be prepared to let me stay in, to enjoy the moment until my whole inside is filled with the good things, with confidence and charms so that when I leave, you'll continue to be there with me and breathe in my rhythm and feel my every move.

And now I'm sitting here, stuck, until I get that feeling of being complete to last.

lie

I lie, quite a lot actually. Mostly to myself. And that's the most important kind of lie. Trying to misguide others has never been my purpose; I use my exaggeration and omitting skills with good intentions and light intensity. But oh it gets really intense when looking in the mirror. I discover extreme lengths to which I am prepared to go just to prove I have done the right things, that even if I know I broke one of my most personal rules, it's ok, it's all good. But how come they feel so wrong after a while?


Well, it was just wishful thinking I guess. And all this time you were lying. To yourself, by extension, to others too, but they're collateral damage. And at that point you realise that you have been lying in a lie. While in bed, lying in the warm sheets and looking for reasons to support your decision. and that I think it's the most intense lie: lying while lying in bed with you (rself).

nude

 

keeping it real, as close to reality as I can, faithful to what it actually feels inside is quite a challenge. and that is for two important reasons:
one, you stand naked in front of everybody, you're vulnerable.
two, it can really take your life to another level - you start judging things by the real thing and you'll find yourself more reluctant to compromise; or, at the opposite, you will get too involved in living the normal life that you won't get the chance to even think a big idea and just keep it simple and common.

but that's a fair way to play the game for yourself and for everybody else. that may prove difficult and overwhelming, but in the end it may strike you as a very wise decision. because you stand there naked and proud, surrounded by a couple of people that adore you for who you are and most importantly for all that  you are. It's messy and it's heartbreaking, but it's the way to do it (I think).

And when you do it, one should wrap it up stylishly. I try nude colours for my clothing. They are my favourite, so true to your body lines and skin colour. You have nothing to hide, just things to outline and put focus on. Nude is beautifully authentic.

day dreaming

I have a dilemma, I can't decide whether day dreamin' is most likely to occupy your time on cloudy days or on sunny beautiful ones. If it's cloudy you get sleepy and there's just one step to fall into a dreaming session, but nonetheless when it's sunny outside, you stare and stare outside your window imagining all sorts of nice things to do (and I do mean all sorts!). But no matter what kind of weather may knock on our door, still day dreaming is wonderful. It gets you place you have never been or would like to return to. So hurray to that, now I'm in India...

try

Beginnings usually involve a lot of trying, a considerable amount of energy, hope and enthusiasm. Evolution implies steady effort supported by the inner confidence that things will eventually turn into what you expect. But it's not simple, it's not individual work, it's closely connected to people and activities around us.  And this is how you get tangled in all sorts of stories - yours, his, hers, theirs and ours. And you realise that no matter how hard you try it's not enough. Your trying has to become a common effort somehow to result into your great expectations coming true. So if you see me, just try!

whatever you like

I've never liked Sundays for all the wrong reasons, mostly because of all the things it reminds of. It's the sign that another week has passed by, that another week is about to sweep me off my feet with all its emergencies, that the time to take it easy is closely monitored and will slowly end ...

But from time to time, I remember that Sundays are good. Good for me, good for you and most importantly good to us. And those times I enjoy them Sunday mornings with chill music, them Sunday brunches with tons of laughter, them Sunday afternoons spent in the sun or in bed, between warm sheets, them Sunday evenings with a glass of wine and them Sunday nights with an emotional movie.

For all those times and for those who do whatever they like on Sundays

go!

No one is ever here, but the light is always on. Every time I reach that place I start running, running for a better place, a cozier space to linger out and about. And sometimes I find a nice spot that I can stay in for a while, just for a while. Because, like moving in a circle, I'm back in front of the empty place with the light on... and it's time to run again and again and again.

until I, a ia ia iai, I can say honey, I'm home.

for their sake

somethings you're set to do so willingly even though it's not in your nature to act like that, but the people around you may inspire them. so you surprise yourself and you set your heart on the table praying that the surgeon who will operate will be kind and skillful. oh daddy, na, na, love me good!

not just any feeling

it's what you feel exactly after you have had a lovely encounter: joy, amazement, an exhilarating experience and all that feels unreal. the problem is that when it goes away you feel there's a deep space to be filled in...and you find yourself addicted and needy.
suddenly you start fighting for moments just like the one that you had before, which made you feel special and in the right place even though apparently for some innocent by-standers you were shinning in the wrong address for that dress, that awesome dress that you wore so proudly...

stop and stare

"Sometimes it is as simple as that. You have no idea what to do, who to do it with or how to make it happen. Just sit for a while and get easily started, don't rush into anything, don't criticize just because you can and that's the only thing you are certain of being fair.

Stare for a second, accept reality and work on a fair reaction" ana said to herself this Monday morning.

and now I'm humming take a picture of thaaat ;)

faraway so close

Different schedules, various plans, distinct opportunities may set us apart, but true love does not end, does not lose intensity, nor interest. Souls mates are of all kinds, you meet them in certain moments of your life and from that moment on they stay with no matter the distance, no matter the time, they stay inside you. For that I am grateful and today I felt that my well-being mood is due to all those incredible people I have met until now. All my lovin I will send to you:

fall trends

I don't know about you, but there's something that I love about the fall and so I fall...

I fall for charisma, for the unknown, for affection and coziness, for butterflies, big brown eyes and acts of sweetness. Oh, yes, and for great fabrics :)

I fall into temptation, fall from grace and then fall apart.

I just fall, but the descent is mostly sprinkled with passion and enthusiasm that I couldn't give up on, so I don't.

While I enjoy my fall, I play and I'm willing to play your game too - I heard that you like the bad girls...honey, is that true?

all the best to you

tourette syndrome...just sing and breath in, breath out!

speech difficulties

c'mon, let's talk, yeah I can see panic all around, when it should be fun and easy...

so let us share some thoughts and if it goes well, we'll share the cake also ;)

tic-tac

patience is a virtue, but it's better to slowly raise the temperature up than wait on dry land for the climax to hit you in the head...bang, bang, Jenny!

(good) morning sunshine

I've never been a morning person, although I enjoy morning time; the potential of a new day is brilliant with tasty little hints like hot coffee, sweet croissants, a playful outfit, a good laugh to scare away the grumpiness and warm hugs to keep the bed coziness.

But to actually grasp the potential, I must overcome the laziness, the "cattitude" state of lingering in bed and the sweet dreams that usually knock on my sleep during mornings. And that is really difficult, being me in the morning is one of the toughest jobs I've ever done.
so good morning everyone, the sun thanks me for waking up early! I smile back with a song :)

it's all for you

I like to discover myself in others, in others' people music, writings, photographs and especially in my beloveds' warm arms. Discover me discovering you and enjoy the journey. It shall start today.

I'll press play to my inner playlist and you shall listen to it whenever you have the time and the disposition. It's going to be moody, interesting and most of all personally open, for I love to share and be just like it feels.

welcome to ana's playlist: